Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
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I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Saturday
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
My safe word is Worcestershire
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.