Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

“So what are your goals for working here?”

To be home by 5

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

Me: HAIL SATAN!!

Her: What?

Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.

Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?

Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!

Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.

[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

ㅤ

I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.

It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?

You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.

Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.

How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?

5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS

if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out

I’m not a god.

I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.

There’s a difference.

Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!

Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!

Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?

Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.

Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!

[15mins into yard work]

my body: yeah… no.

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

Gonna tell my dentist that if I’m late, he should start without me.

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.