Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.