Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
When you’re Kinky but poor
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
called in thicc to work this morning
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
no refunds