Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
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Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
Me: Necessity is the mother of Invention
Necessity (my wife): I still can’t believe I let you talk me into naming her that
Invention: *crying*
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
#Caturday
Saw your ex at the shops
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂