Drove past Sheffield a few times over the years & always wondered what they were building with all the cranes. Every year the cranes were there & I said to my husband how long have they been building there? The look on his face when he told me it was a crane yard.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Bill is short for Billiam
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Thinking about the time my 2 yr old unbuckled his seatbelt and stood up to wave at a passing cop. I got a ticket and my 2 yr old got a sticker recruiting him to be a police officer.
