Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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Just say no
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
At ease
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
me: anything interesting happen today?
my 8yo: I finally got a booger out of my nose that’s been there since I was 5.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
(by @ZachWeiner )
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.