Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
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bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
i wish all
whales
a very
big
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you