Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]

“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”

*fist bump*

if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993

I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad

What do you mean “Just Standing There Glaring And Hissing At People” doesn’t count as socializing

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*

Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4  kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away

Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings

Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…

friend: your name badge is on upside down

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

Life hack

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.

I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.

Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.

One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.