Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

Friend: What time is it?

Me: November.

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

I have Facebook like reflexes.

“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”

*throws a book and hits you right in the face*

I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money

Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.

If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.

Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?

Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*

My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.

*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*

“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”

working on a name for my new business

my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not

Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me

Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car

While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.

last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:

JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”

Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?

Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog

Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.

*tries to lose weight by talking about it*

He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter

Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink

that’s it. that’s the punch line

Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*