Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.

LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.

Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)

Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.

So, I guess it’s hereditary.

Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death

Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this

What does a robot do during a one night stand?

He nuts and bolts

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.

“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”

I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.

Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.

My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.

“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”

H: It’s called a wine stopper.

Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]

Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come

man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me