I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
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Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.