Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Word: Your document is auto-saved. No need to save.
Computer: *Crashes
Me: *Opens document
Word: You’re not gonna believe this…
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
cooking with glasses on is so humiliating…why did i just get blinded by steam
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy.. it’s no wonder they were abandoned
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.