Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
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8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Someone in my neighborhood is unsuccessfully trying to throw away a garbage can. Week 1, taped paper note on it. Week 2, spray-painted huge note on it. Week 3, still spray-painted, added paper note back, and laid it sideways on top of other garbage bags. I’ll keep you posted.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I have this condition that means I have to vacuum my house daily.
Friend: Oh, OCD?
Me: Children.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
decorating my apartment
