Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit