Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Asked a guy who had clearly just finished a run how long he’s been into running and he was like “an hour?” And I was like no I mean in your life? And he was like “my run was an hour long”
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
Just how popey was the pope today?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.