Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
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The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”
Introverted vegans go meetless
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Money is the root of all wealth
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
This is my brand.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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