i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
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I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
Every haunted house movie:
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!