Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
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I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Carefully cropping the username off a popular reddit meme and posting it here with the caption “all right who made this?? 😂🤣😂”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people: