Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.

FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

I lovingly caress my belly.

“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.

I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.

I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.

He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!

#jokes

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.

HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym

ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes

Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.

Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind

She’s 11.

“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

shrek 2 was great… but i was disappointed when there wasn’t a second shrek

Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.

If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART