Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.

We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while

Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”

[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.

Me: You’re absolutely right.

[buys the concert tickets]

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.

I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.

Why procrastinate now when you can always procrastinate later?

If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.

If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.

Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

Normalize the Christmas piñata so you can “miss” and whack Uncle Frank who’s being a dickwad.

walmart boss: ur fired

me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs

boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs

me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket

Cop: is that an olive in there?

“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”

– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car