Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
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pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Ghosts can’t cut or color their hair; hence they’re supernatural
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.