Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WEBMD: Enter symptoms

Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin

WEBMD: You are a jellyfish

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!

For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.

My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

I hate elevators, they give me vertigo

I take many steps to avoid them

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”

Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls

Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

I have a friend who can help get me admitted to clown college. He nose people.

I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.

She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here

She does not

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

[having house guests]

Me: omg I need to CLEANNN

[30 minutes later]

Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME

10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

humans only use 10% of their treadmills