Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.

My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.

We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.

ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!

ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT

dog owners: their name is buddy

cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito

instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…

Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners

Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”

We’re only a short time away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.

It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.

My brother and dad have been arguing over a broken PS1 since February 2000. My brother said my dad broke it one night drunk. Truth is my mate broke it claiming he knew how to chip it and I’ve never told anyone. My mum is on my brother’s side. Comes up at least 5 times a year.

The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.

My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them

They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.

First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.

A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.

Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.