Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.

The conversation w customer service has essentially been

“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Aight but whatd i do”

“You violated the terms of service :)”

“Elaborate tho??”

*crickets*

to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*

There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

wow

My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.

I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight

Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-

Me: *inhales*

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died

BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year

ME: yeah she’s a cat

[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]