drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
You Might Also Like
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Our lord and savoury.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Monday
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed