Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
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Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
me: what’s wrong?
date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal
me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…
date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*