Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.

People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.

On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?

Me: Is married a number?

That’s how I get the good meds…

I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”

Then when people ask me what it means…

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

pharmacist: are you getting a booster?

me: high chair please.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*

Last minute gift idea:

Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted

Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.

It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.

Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.

[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]

Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand

Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you

Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know

bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is

me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot

bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?

[War in Heaven]

Lucifer: You must choose a side.

Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?

Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.