Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
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i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.