Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
im gay on my mothers side
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.