Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
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[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Siri: Retweet me.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.