Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
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Look, I didn’t mean to upset your grandma.
All I said the best place to be in a human centipede is in the front.
my car accidentally drove to chick-fil-a again i hate when it does that
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Gas station lines at 2 am:
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
The dude that invented diarrhea was a real jerk, in my opinion.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.