Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying