Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
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DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security