Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.

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Where is your 1,000 word essay?
“Right here”
*pulls out selfie*
That’s a picture…
“A picture is worth 1,000 words”
*becomes valedictorian*


When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…


I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.


[being murdered at Best Buy]

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: *being murdered*

Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty


Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!

Criminal: Get outta my—



[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.

Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!


Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!


She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?

Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.


Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer


*Mouth full of pizza*
Boss: I thought you were trying to lose weight?
Me: Waaa? Iths diet peetha.