Where is your 1,000 word essay?
*pulls out selfie*
That’s a picture…
“A picture is worth 1,000 words”
Drugs don’t kill people. People that don’t have drugs kill people.
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When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.
Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Making a frisbee out of bread. Let’s see how those bloody pigeons deal with that!
She: Why don’t we ever have sex anymore?
Me: What’s this “we” shit? I’m having plenty.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
*Mouth full of pizza*
Boss: I thought you were trying to lose weight?
Me: Waaa? Iths diet peetha.