can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I’m about to risk it all
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
[First day working in an optometrists]
Me: They’re called reading glasses but they don’t actually read. You still have to do that.
Optometrist: Can I see you in my office?
Me: *nudges customer* I would hope so lol
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*