From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
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Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
oh shit
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”