Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
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Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
getting old is fun
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
*Everyone yelling about politics at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: *taps wine glass* “Quick poll: who wants the last piece of pie before I eat it?”
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]