Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
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james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep