Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
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*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
“so i had the dream again last night,”
priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
As a child I was worried I may have a thing for lions when watching Nala’s ‘come to bed’ eyes in lion king. Never pursued this thankfully.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
Tried to type “I’m on my way” and autocorrect changed it to “I’m in my way” and that is probably way more accurate.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
He’s dead
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Always…
