Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
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me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Never teaching my kids to “rise above.” Going to teach them to be like Kendrick Lamar. If you’re going to hate, you must commit. Employ visuals. Enlist your neighborhood. Call the NBA. Don’t stop until everyone is dancing and laughing with you
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Made something I’m not proud of
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Strangers have the best candy.