Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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“i wish dogs could talk” not me. i don’t want to hear my boy calling people every slur imaginable as they walk up to the house only to become their biggest stan the second they are actually inside. impossible to respect someone so two faced.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer