Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
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If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
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