Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.

Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.

I accidentally bump into a man.

He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”

I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.

ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend

When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]

Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!

SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best!

[Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea

The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.

I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.

If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.