Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No one

Absolutely no one

My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets

Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

Kid: Trick or treat?

Me: How old are you?

Kid:

His dad: 4 years old

Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.

Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *

It’s still love though.

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

🖤✌🏽

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”

back to work

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?

ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse

FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?

ME: grow up Kalvin

blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Childbirth is so beautiful

uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.

ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.