Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?

How I Met Your Mothra!

…No, YOU shut up.

Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.

As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.

My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”

Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches

HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT

Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.

Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage

DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.

A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”

Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor

Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.

I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”

Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.