Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”

I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?

Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!

Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.

TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!

Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.

This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage

Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom

Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep

As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.

Winning a game of chess: I am a being of pure logic… pure rationale… I should try out for Mensa… I should call the pentagon and see if they need my services…

Losing a game of chess: This game is essentially a toy. Oooo I moved my horsey. The one with the pointy hat goes eoou

It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?

satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”

therapist: that’s not so bad

satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”

SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?

Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with