Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Them: “ah just the guy I wanted to see”
My brain: well this can’t be good

I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.

I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”

That’s it. I’m done with people.

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer

You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

*hears your text message notification beep*

*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.