Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
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if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
A relationship so stable you can buy concert tickets 4 months in advance >>
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My dog after a walk in the woods.