Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You: make yourself at home

Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*

Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather

No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog

Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be

Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them

Athena: interesting

Medusa: why

Athena:

Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?

Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.

only writing recipes in wordart from now on

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper

Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting

I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.

I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.

devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat

Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science

Me *drooling

It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.

Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.

old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?

inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.

I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired

Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.