Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
My girlfriend is gorgeous and has been trying to teach me skincare stuff.
And I want to start doing it, but also I feel like, dating someone much hotter than me is kinda my biggest achievement.
If I get hot too how will people know I achieved this on rizz alone?
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
We need to put an American base on the sun
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.