Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
🖤✌🏽
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Uh oh…
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”