Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely.
Since then I’ve got a dog, bought a motorcycle, started dating again and gained 15 pounds. She’s gonna be pissed when she gets home from work.
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Like sleeping!
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
Single and childfree like Jesus
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment