*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.
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*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”
Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)