Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.

[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”

I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide

Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?

Me: Please, they’re starving.

Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.

Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.

Being rude underwater is snarkeling

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

Thinking about switching my books to a freemium model. I could give away the basic version but charge extra for fun bonus features like plot, characters, and vowels.

He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”

She: “Prove it.”

He: *Plays Call of Duty*

I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.

What can I say, I really loves them big feet.

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.

Me: *opens my front door*

Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*

They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”

[Commercial for axes]

[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]

*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes