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This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*