Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months

Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.

I’m only attractive if you’re drunk.

*buys everyone a drink*

Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer

A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.

I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB

Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter

me: omg why are you so obsessed with me

cop: because you ran over 4 people back there

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”

i could never be hannah montana because i would take one hit of a joint at a party, turn to the person closest to me, and immediately go “i neeeeeeed to tell u something”

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: his fault for staying out all night

kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom

dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been

kidnapper: he was

dad: on his phone probably

kidnapper: fast asleep

dad: i guarantee you he was faking it

I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.

~me, every time my alarm goes off

My mum just messaged to say that yesterday she turned off her 20 year old PC, ‘at the wall’, without shutting it down properly. ‘That couldn’t have caused anything, could it?’ 😂

‘Probably’.

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!

Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.

pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves

I remember when yoga was called Twister.