Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face

*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

This coffee cake doesn’t seem to be helping my alertness at all

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?

Interviewer: “…”

Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’

I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.

Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.

May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.

Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.

I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after

I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.

Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.

Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.

Sir, that’s a phone book.