Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)

My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

Nobody:

5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?

Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done

Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious

LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me

Foo fighters still fighting foo.

I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.

me: how was your camping trip

5 y/o: good

me: what’d you guys do

5 y/o: camped

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Ape together strong

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*

*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

rest in peas

*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill