drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
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Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!