drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
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“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
The shittier a bank’s website is, the safer your money is. Clean and easy to use web portal? You’re being scammed. Barely functioning console log looking windows 95 ass flash page? Sleep easy at night.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”