drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
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Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
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Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.