drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
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The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
the clam before the storm
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.