drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?
Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.
TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.
Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Running your mouth is not cardio.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?