drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
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“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Aaaa…CHOO!
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.